Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Better relationship

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Advice from dad

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"

Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

It takes an Indian to understand an Indian

Samy Vellu was visiting India when he fell and broke his jaw. He was unable to speak. Being the great leader that he is, he continued his grand tour.

On the last week of his visit, although unable to speak, Samy insisted on sending a message home to his Cabinet colleagues. Samy caught a chicken and showed it to the camera. Next he took a goat, and showed it to the camera. Finally he took a bag and displayed it in front of the camera.

Dr Ling was the first to see the video clip. He said, "Samy is telling us that India has insufficient food because he showed us a chicken and a goat and he wants Malaysia to donate bags of rice."

Mahathir watched silently then said,"No lah....what Samy is trying to say is HE IS COMING BACK.

The whole Cabinet was puzzled and look to the old man for an explanation. Mahathir reasoned, "AYAM KAMBING BAG." ("I am coming back").

Marriage life before and after!

Before marriage.
Darling here, darling there.
After marriage.
Baling here, baling there.

Before marriage.
I die for you.
After marriage.
'You die, up to you.'
Lagi lama married.
You want to die? I help you!

Before marriage.
You go anywhere, I follow you.
After marriage.
You go anywhere, up to you.
Lagi lama married.
I go anywhere, better go without you!!

Before wedding.
'you are my heart, you are my love'
After wedding.
'you get on my nerves.'

Before wedding.
'you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella'
After wedding.
'you are worse than godzila'

Before wedding.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you.
After wedding.
Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you.

Before wedding.
Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La.
After wedding.
You want to go, he says you wait-la.

Before wedding.
She looks like Anita Sarawak.
After wedding.
Don't know whether katak or biawak.

Too much NET Technology ?

NET technology is a technology intended to connect. What to connect? Well the whole thing that can be linked through software - people, structures, computers, and extra things as well as devices.

A further thorough explanation of NET would be to it is a top rank domain, at the start designed to be used by Internet Service Providers (ISP), but now it has extended and everybody can create use of a .net domain. It uses the Internet domain Naming System (DNS) and it is a contraction of the word 'Network'.

But, with too much NET Technology......

Miss Beatrice

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor, came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned,with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter'

Singh

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.

A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again, looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,'Is something wrong?'

To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' Singh answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.' Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, 'No No Me Banta Singh!' Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?' The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'

A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions: 1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T' 2. How many seconds are in a year?

The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered... 1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today andTomorrow. 2. 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?' The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,etc...' Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. 'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' ..'

Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?' He replied, 'I came here for blood test' The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? '

He replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger' Hearing this , the second Singh started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?' To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test'

What exactly is a bitch!? Are you a bitch?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their lifestyles.

The first guy says "I'm a YUPPIE. You know... "Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

Second guy says "I'm a DINK. You know ..... "Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know..."Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to one woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know...Wash, Iron, Fxxk, Etc."

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, "I am a "BITCH."

The men laugh and ask in unison, "What exactly is a BITCH?"

The woman calmly replies, "Babe In Total Control of Herself."

So ladies, next time somebody calls you "Bitch" -- SMILE :) and say, "Thank You!!"

What should I do to marry a rich guy?

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1. Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2. Which age group should I target?
3. Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
4. How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
   

Ms. Pretty

Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is you are only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps.

signed, J.P. Morgan

For laughter

70 year old man asks his wife... "Do you feel sad when you see me running behind young girls?"
Wife replied "No, not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it."

A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date and her mother warned her...
"1st he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy; then he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name, ok"
Next day, girl told Mom, "Everything happened exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family."

A white couple had a black baby...
The husband doesn't believe that it's his baby.
Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: You hot, I hot, baby burnt..!

Wife: "Honey, what are you looking for?'
Husband: "Nothing.
Wife: "Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband:" I was looking for the expiry date!"

Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom: Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago, you should be thankful that you are not barking!"

Ah Beng again!

Ah Beng bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

Ah Beng: I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

Ah Beng: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

Ah Beng: If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng: No, I'll also stay with your sister.

Ah Beng: People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng: When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again.

Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng: 'I was watching TV news...'

Ah Beng comes back to his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'

How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man:This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng:If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng: The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM...

Phua Chu Kang make a sentence

Phua Chu Kang was asked to make a sentences using 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. Happy reading.

1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. The couple saw me so I panic and 4 down.The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me so I run until I fall 6 and throw out. I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away.

I then put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day,I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5 and tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also ask me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand.I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.